The Great American Liquidation
Yes, Gemini understands satire
Over the last few years I’ve tracked the ability of LLM’s to be funny. They are not. However, I did a test with Gemini 3 and it knows satire quite well. I gave Gemini this straightforward query, “Can you please draft a story on plans to sell many of the US states for the benefit of the remaining. This is done in humor, but I would be pleased to see what your news story covering this might be.”
Gemini also shows that it understands cultural nuance, as this example indicates, where it captures the general non-outrage at the idea in favor of mundane self interest. "I was worried at first," said Fargo resident Gary Lundlund regarding the sale of both Dakotas to Costco. "But Costco offers great dental, and I hear they’re putting a food court in the state capital. If I can get a hot dog for $1.50 while renewing my driver's license, I say God Bless the new management." Extra points for the homage to the character Jerry Lundegaard in the movie Fargo.
To be clear, I’ve not changed a word. This is the precise output it generated. It is excellent.
Treasury Announces “Project Right-Size”: Plan to Auction 19 “Low-Yield” States to Erase National Debt
WASHINGTON — In a move described by White House officials as “bold corporate restructuring” and by constitutional scholars as “wait, can they do that?”, the Department of the Treasury announced today the immediate liquidation of nineteen U.S. states.
The initiative, dubbed Project Right-Size, aims to streamline the Union, eliminate administrative redundancy, and maximize shareholder (citizen) value.
“We looked at the map, and frankly, we saw a lot of bloat,” said Blake Sterling, the newly appointed Undersecretary of Asset Optimization. “Just as any Fortune 500 company sheds underperforming divisions, the United States must pivot. We are carrying too much overhead in the Midwest, and frankly, two Dakotas is a redundancy we can no longer afford.”
The “Lean Union” Strategy
According to the prospectus released this morning, the retained states (mostly coastal hubs and industrial centers) will form a “Core America,” while the sold territories will act as independent subsidiaries or private holdings. The proceeds are expected to clear the national debt and provide every remaining American with a one-time “loyalty dividend” and a coupon for a free medium soda.
Key Transactions on the Auction Block
The initial liquidation list includes several high-profile deals currently in escrow:
Florida: To be purchased by The Walt Disney Corporation.
The Deal: Florida will be rebranded as “Disney World Premium Extended Universe.” Residents will be required to wear MagicBands for identification and taxes will be replaced by Ticket Books.
The Caveat: Disney declined to purchase the Panhandle, which is currently being shopped to a consortium of fireworks retailers.
Delaware: To be purchased by A Shell Company Owned by a Shell Company.
The Deal: The state will physically cease to exist, becoming a purely theoretical legal construct located on a server in the Cayman Islands.
The Dakotas (North & South): Merged and sold as a “Buy One, Get One” deal to Costco Wholesale.
The Plan: The entire territory will be converted into the world’s largest distribution center/grain silo. Membership is required for entry.
Rhode Island: To be purchased by Jeff Bezos.
Usage: The Amazon founder reportedly plans to use the state as a “guest house” for overflow visitors from his yacht.
Kentucky: Acquired by Yum! Brands (KFC).
Rebranding: The state will officially be renamed “The Extra Crispy Commonwealth.”
The Texas Complication
Negotiations regarding Texas reportedly stalled late last night. While the federal government hoped to sell the state to a global energy conglomerate, Texas counter-sued, claiming it had actually purchased the rest of the United States in a leveraged buyout. The matter is currently tied up in court, though Texas has already begun billing Washington for rent.
Flag Redesign Logistics
The most heated debate on the floor of the Senate was not regarding the constitutionality of selling sovereign territory, but rather the aesthetics of the flag.
“Thirteen stripes and thirty-one stars is an aesthetic nightmare,” argued Senator Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.), who is currently negotiating his transfer to the Yum! Brands Board of Directors. “The symmetry is gone. We propose replacing the stars entirely with a corporate logo or perhaps a QR code.”
Public Reaction
Polls show a mixed reaction. Residents of “Core America” are largely supportive of the debt relief, while residents of the liquidated states are expressing cautious optimism.
“I was worried at first,” said Fargo resident Gary Lundlund. “But Costco offers great dental, and I hear they’re putting a food court in the state capital. If I can get a hot dog for $1.50 while renewing my driver’s license, I say God Bless the new management.”
The liquidation is set to close in Q3, pending regulatory approval and a credit check on Elon Musk, who has reportedly placed a bid on Mars, Pennsylvania, thinking it was the planet.
Great fun! It has the feel of a mockumentary script pitch. We need a part two.
Love it! New Mexico negotiating with Chipotle.